The Battle I Didn't Know I Was Fighting

What is that battle you ask? Well, I hit on it in a previous post, if you'll remember:

• I don't currently have a girlfriend.
• And if I did, I still wouldn't have sex.
• And that's probably why I don't have a girlfriend.
• Or it's because I'm bad with commitment, but that's a different post altogether.

~10/05/12, "I'm Too Sexy For My Pride"

The battle was between times, Before and After. And this, my friends, is the "different post altogether."

I would like to talk about each of the points beneath "I don't currently have a girlfriend." Once I've completed this session, we'll pretty much have answered the why to that statement.

Why I don't have sex...
This goes back pretty far. Like, to Bible times. It started out as a Christian moral I held and rationalized into my present state of thinking on the subject. Firstly, do I even want sex? Hell yes, I want sex. Are you crazy? I'm a guy! Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'M HUMAN. What human being can actually say they do not want sex? I accept that there are people who claim to be asexual. I do not understand these people. I will pretend they do not exist (until I meet one). There are probably people who might say the same about me and my people: the people who would prefer to wait until marriage to have sex. So, secondly, now that we've covered that I actually do want sex, the reason I don't is because... because I'd like for it to be savored. I do the same thing with kissing (granted, I do kiss before marriage). It feels like this sacred thing, and not just because God has made it so, but because I only want to share it with one person. I've only ever kissed five people. I'd like to keep that to a minimum. Same thing for sex.

No sex = no girlfriend...
There aren't many people like me out there. It's not that I want a virgin; it doesn't matter whether they are or not. But there aren't many girls my age who are willing to wait for me. =( That's okay.. that's fine. Just makes her harder to find.

Why I'm bad with commitment...
*Sigh* I'm bad with commitment because I'm in love with a girl I cannot have. Maybe I'm not in love. Maybe I'm not anymore or never was. But I think I was. Though, I don't know that I am anymore. All the good memories fade until all I have is seeing myself become the monster from which I meant to defend. It's hard to fall in love or make a relationship work when you keep looking for her in them. And it's not fair to them. First I'm using them to get over her, and then when that doesn't work, I'm breaking up with them because they're not her. I can't help it. I'm done looking though. I will simply wait for a more beautiful butterfly. Or until she flutters back.

Or until I'm dead.

~~~

P.S.: I've been simply content today, and cannot recall anything in particular that has made me happy. This is sort of upsetting. There should be at least one thing, right? Well, I am at least content. And maybe, just maybe, that is cause for being happy.