Monday, December 31, 2012

Yes, January

Yes, January, even in winter.

~~~

January Setup for Wednesdays and Fridays:

01/02- Poem: "I need a pencil..."
01/04- Journal Entry

01/09- Short Story: "Monstrous"
01/11- Film Review: Alien Tetralogy

01/16- Poem: "Death and then the sea..."
01/18- Book Review: Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

01/23- New Short Story: "Closure" (Working Title)
01/25- New Music: "Closure" (Working Title)

01/30-  Poem: "Caution: Bridge Ices Before Road"

Three poems this month. In fact, I believe this month is going to throw off future months. We'll work with it anyway. I've chosen three relatively short poems this month, all artistic in their own way. The featured short story is "Monstrous," which, strangely enough, is another zombie dream I had. I call it a spiritual sequel to "Diseased." I released "Diseased" on Halloween, but figured this would be the right one for this month. There will be better to come, promise.

I chose the Alien film series for my film review this month simply because 1) I got the Alien Anthology for Christmas, and 2) there are no good movies coming out in theatres this month. Of Mice and Men is a notable piece of literature, according to Alex and the rest of the world, which I have never read.

Finally, I have a new short story and a new piece of music coming this month, both with the working title of "Closure." If all goes as planned, you'll see why.

Enjoy!

~~~

P.S.: I don't know if I want to keep doing these P.S.'s. Hmm... Lemme try... Uhh... I... enjoyed... watching The Walking Dead Season One while typing this, solving my new 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube, dusting my room, etc. And also watching the second Alien movie, Aliens, with mi padre.

Friday, December 28, 2012

"Cinere"

Best I could do in one go, and to be honest, the composition was much more difficult than the execution. Forgive the poor quality. Anyway, here is "Cinere." Do enjoy. ;)


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

"Thoughts That Think"

A Short Story

(Disclaimer: To be fair, this is a 5,251 word, 20 page, double spaced in Word, short story. I dare you to read it regardless of its length. This is a collaboration of ideas I have been toying with for a long time. I created many characters out of seemingly thin air, gave them names, and threw them into the shark pit to see how they would react. I told only what I felt was necessary. Read it as you will. Enjoy! P.S.: While taken from base personalities of people I know, all of the characters and events are fictitious, and serve no other purpose but the purpose my musings for your entertainment.)

I
The transition of walking into Blake’s was a noisy one. The subtle, cool breeze and fresh air converted to the warm, stale, smoke ridden bar within a single stride. It was like a metaphor: there he, Fox Wall, was willingly going from a perfect place in his life to a hazardous environment all for the company of a friend. How quaint.
The single room bar was filled to the brim, unlike the almost empty mugs and glasses scattering the bar and few tables. Also, notably unlike the martini glass of the pansy seated at the bar’s only booth. He was surrounded by young women, and Fox wondered whether the man was extremely lucky or in the wrong bar. His group didn’t seem to be as rowdy as everyone else; the game was on. Steelers versus Patriots. Fox’s team against Billy’s.
Speak of the devil, there was the back of Billy’s head and beside him an empty seat. Fox made his way past a puddle of sacrilegious spillage and grabbed Billy’s shoulder while seating himself next to him. And there in front of him was a mug of Guiness filled to the brim. My cup overfloweth.
“You just missed kickoff,” Billy said.
“As I can see.” Fox sipped the foam off his three layer beer: two parts delicious foam, four parts golden glory, and one part mixture of concentrated beer, foam, and backwash that Billy called piss.
“I don’t understand,” Billy said referring to the foam sipping.
“Get over it,” Fox said. He pulled the rest of the foam as well as a quarter of the mug.
“Thank god that’s over,” Billy said.
“Now you have to sit through Pittsburg owning New England.”
“No, no, but oh god, I have to sit through this entire game with you drinking more foam. Start your own damn tab.”
~~~

Michael Wallace sat quietly at his booth with Jamie, Elissa, Jessica, and Hailey, the too-sweet taste of his virgin daiquiri lingering on his lips, wishing it was the virgin next to him lingering instead. It was hard to ignore these thoughts as he hid his erection with his left arm, right hand on his glass. Yes, he wanted Elissa, the only other minor at the table. But no, he did not want to act on it. Well, he did, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t want to objectify this jewel, but he couldn’t help his physiology.
Jessica and Hailey were talking about their hatred of sports, including, and especially, televised sports. Michael was paying more attention to how close he was to Elissa’s skin, and in the background of time’s unraveling he observed the action of speaking and then drinking:
“I just think it’s stupid to watch large men destroying each other’s bodies and pocketing millions,” Hailey said, she drank.
“It’s barbaric,” Jessica said, she and Hailey drank. Jamie drank. Michael drank. And Elissa drank her Coke. Michael would have gotten a Coke too, but Jamie and Jessica insisted on the daiquiri so everyone would think he was a stud. Might have worked if it wasn’t served in a martini glass.
And Elissa was still sitting next to him. It wasn’t like she would just disappear, though he wished he could disappear with her. Go someplace quiet, alone. Alas, this was unlikely: she was 18 and the cousin of Jamie, who was 27, which meant Elissa would leave with Jamie and not, possibly, Michael. He didn’t want to sleep with her (yes, he did), but he would have liked to have gotten to know her. Jamie probably would have been okay with it, actually.
“Excuse me a second,” Elissa said, motioning politely for him to let her out of the booth.
“I need to use the restroom, anyway,” he smiled.
He scooted off the bench and she brushed past him as he let her out. There was the scent of her perfume and, as he followed her, the shape of her butt. His psychological disposition didn’t help him from noticing her physiological precision. She went off to the left and he continued toward the rest room.

~~~

            Sarah Greene sat on the bathroom floor with her hands gripping the rim of the toilet, feeling green, probably looking green, and knowing there was now a lot of green in basin of the urinal. Fucking hell.
            Oh lord. A man walked in.
“Go away,” she said.
“Sure thing,” he said. But he didn’t go away. He continued into a closed stall.
“Ugh,” she groaned.
“Pleasant night?” the stall man inquired.
“Ugh,” she said.
“Yeah? Me too.”
“Sher up,” she slurred.
“Sure thing,” he said. The toiled flushed.
“Ohh my gaaawd,” she groaned.
She saw his face as he walked past her toward the sinks. He was gorgeous and he couldn’t have been any older than she, and she wondered if he had a fake ID too, before adding more green to the toilet. Fucking hell. He turned on the water and began to wash his hands. It sounded like bombs were being dropped and she felt the explosions reverberating in her skull. Please don’t use the blow drier. He grabbed some paper towels from a dispenser.
“Take care,” he said and left.
“Ugh,” she groaned. Fucking hell.
She must have been in the men’s restroom for an hour after the gorgeous stall boy left. She didn’t flush the toilet, but washed her hands and face before leaving. Her mind was slowly clearing. Very slowly. She stumbled slightly—not because she was beyond drunk, but because of her goddamn heels—against the wall outside the bathroom. To be perfectly honest, she was drunk, but not as drunk as her vomiting might suggest. She had sobered somewhat during her time in bathroom floor solitary.
Desire was the fuel for her sudden transition to sobriety. It had been an hour, but she wanted to find Stall Boy. He might have left by this point, and that didn’t matter. He was sarcastic and attractive and maybe even hot. She knew it was a ridiculous idea. She didn’t even know what she would do when she found him.
She was outside before she realized it. The air was cool and the night dark. She didn’t quite remember how she got there. Maybe she wasn’t as sober as she thought. Why was she even outside? Had she missed something? She felt shaky. Oh hell. The world was spinning and she found herself wondering if she was dreaming.
Sara fell to the sidewalk. She pushed herself against the brick outer wall of the bar and hugged her knees to her chest. Everything was a blur and the world wasn’t spinning, she was. She felt the constant sense of motion, falling and never landing.
“Are you okay?” something said.
“Ugh,” Sara said.
When the something did not reply she tried opening her eyes. The figure of a man shook before her. She couldn’t keep him centered but thought it might be Stall Boy. No, Stall Boy wouldn’t give a shit. All she could make out was an orange shirt and green jacket. Green. And here came more; she couldn’t hold back her own green.

~~~

It took Alex Foley more than ten minutes to clean the vomit off his shoes. Luckily it was just on the outside and none got on his pants. That girl had been very pretty. If only she wasn’t a drunk. I shouldn’t judge. Fuck it, she was a drunk. Stupid pretending otherwise.
Alex sat down at the bar and spoke to the bartender, “Hey Joe, how’s the flow?”
“Pretty slow as far as work goes.”
“Nice.”
“Usual?” Joe asked.
“Yes sir. Thank you sir,” Alex said in a poor British accent.
Joe filled a glass with Heineken and placed it in front of Alex, sloshing it onto the bar. Before Alex could say thank you, Joe turned away to Billy and Fox across the bar. Both of the regulars were there for the game, of course. Alex had joined their company a few times, but not tonight. Tonight would just be a relaxing one. Get off of work, clean puke off his shoes, and enjoy a cold one with the white noise of the bar. No socializing. No hitting on women, not even the surely underage gal who enjoyed puking on his kicks. Too bad she’s drunk. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. No, no. Ugh. Whatever.
Alex glanced up at one of the many flat screens covering the game. Steelers 31, Patriots 17. He didn’t really care for either team let alone sports in general. He was there for the environment. There was something about it that felt like home. It was totally unlike home, really, but it was a place for his mind. He would sit there and unwind. Drink, and unwind. Because his apartment, his real home, was not home. No family. No friends. No girl. And there was nothing to do. There were video games and TV and writing. But ultimately all he could do was think. And masturbate. Oh, the life I live.
He shook from an image that appeared in his head, and he didn’t want to dwell on it. So he drank. Joe threw another glass in front of him, and he drank. This went on for one more drink before he decided to go to the can. Time for part two of the alcohol delivery system, and not the alternate part two where the alcohol exits the entrance onto some bloke’s shoes.
Alex wasn’t eve buzzed yet. He would need at least two more drinks for that, and he didn’t plan on getting drunk tonight; although, that’s rarely a conscious decision to be made. I’m becoming fear, and fear is becoming. He laughed, Yes, quite clever.
In the bathroom there was a familiar green matter in the bottom and splattering the insides of one of the urinals. He decided to cleanse it with his beer piss. Specks of green fell away; he finished, shook, and flushed. He debated skipping the hand washing phase. So fucking lazy. He washed his hands and left.
When he opened the door and walked out, the pretty blonde who puked on him ran into his chest. She bounced back, shocked.
“You smell good,” she said. Alex didn’t say anything and waited.
“Sorry about that. And earlier.” She was still drunk.
“I’ll only be able to overlook it,” he began, “if you take your top off.” He said it with a smile and a wink to show as a flirtatious joke.
She moved her small hands to the bottom of her shirt and lifted it over her head, dropping it in the hallway. Oh shit.

II

            “This game’s not worth watching anymore,” Billy said.
Fox had stopped watching the game a while ago. He knew his Steelers were winning, but he couldn’t keep his mind off Lisbeth. He wasn’t drinking anymore, and Billy had probably noticed this indifference. His third mug, half empty, was now luke warm and out of reach. Billy seemed to lose interest in the game more and more every time he looked over at Fox who was staring into space. By this time Billy’s interest was gone and he just stared at Fox.
Fox was looking at the flat screen, but not watching the game. He wanted to talk about Lisbeth, and then again he didn’t. He wanted to forget about it and sink into a deep, ignorant abyss. Although Fox had not smoked in years, he was craving one now. With all the time spent with Billy, who smoked between one and two packs a day, he was never tempted to partake. Billy already had six or seven since Fox arrived.
“I need some air,” Fox said. The two left their seats and went outside. Billy pulled out a pack of Camels and before he could put it back in his pocket Fox said, “Let me bum one.”
“Sure,” Billy said and handed him a cigarette.
Both lit up, sharing Billy’s lighter, and smoke and silence ensued. Billy finished his while Fox was halfway through.
“So what is it this time, man?” Billy asked.
“Same thing it is every time.”
“Yeah, I figured, but why?” Billy asked.
“Who fuckin’ knows. I don’t know. I mean, you know what it is. It’s the same goddamn thing it always is.”
“Lisbeth,” Billy said.
“Yeah, fuckin’ Lisbeth. I fuckin’ love her, and she just fuckin’ isn’t there anymore. She’s not the same. She’s not the girl I married,” Fox took a breath.
“She isn’t a girl anymore, Fox.”
“I fuckin’ know she isn’t. I know. But still. She’s not even remotely the same.”
“People change.”
“I know people change. I know that. But how the held did she change so much. It’s ridiculous.”
“You married young, man. You didn’t give her a chance to settle into herself.”
There was a pause. Both lit up a second cigarette. Fox breathed the smoke in and out, and his head was buzzing with words and images and emotions.
“Have you ever thought,” Billy began, “that maybe she isn’t the only one who changed?”
Chills ran down Fox’s spine. How had he been so ignorant of himself? He felt the same, sure, but god knows he wasn’t. He used to be livelier: hobbies, dinners with friends and Lisbeth, road trips. But he hadn’t lived in so long. He had settled into his own self and was now distancing himself from Lisbeth and from the truth, and in those things, from himself.
There was nothing more to say. He was sure his silence said more than he ever could. But what could he do now? He’d been pinning everything on his wife the entire time. Could he go back to the way he was? Would apologizing make things better?
Fox inhaled the last of his cigarette.
Billy said, “Listen man, you’ll never be who you were, but you’ll always be who you are.

~~~

            Michael stood looking into Elissa’s hazel eyes. They were no longer seeing the world, he thought, but seeing only him. As his heart raced he wondered if she thought the same of him. He felt time slipping away and worried that something might break their trance. Her eyes soothed his worries and he acted.
He touched her hands with his and followed her arms to her elbows. He pulled her slightly and leaned his face toward hers. He saw her lips and she saw his before his eyes closed. He kissed her softly, taking in her lower lip. They held for a moment and then he pulled back only to kiss again, his lips parted slightly, her lips parted as well. His lips grabbed more at her lower lip and he traced his tongue across its outer edge. Her tongue met his on its second pass.
Michael’s right hand moved from her elbow to her shoulder and slid down to her middle back. His left followed a similar path up to the back of her neck. He felt her bra under her shirt with his thumb and the subtle protrusion of her spine with the rest of his hand. He massaged her neck feeling the hair under his fingers and brushing over his arm, and his lips over hers, tasting her tongue and her teeth and her perfectly imperfect perfume breath.
            As his tongue swam with hers he felt his legs touching hers, his crotch hovering over hers, and her breasts pressing into his chest. These things were difficult to overlook, but the exhilaration of her mouth with his, strangely, held all thoughts at bay. Michael had kissed girls before. Michael had fucked girls before. Michael had loved before. But what was this? Whatever it was, it was all that mattered and he wanted more. His jaw pressed into hers and she moaned. Adrenaline shot through his whole being and he only pressed harder. She bit his lower lip, another shot of ecstasy. He was pulling her body into his and she was clawing delightfully at his back. All of this served as a running climax and they slowed until they had stopped, lips still touching. She hit him gently with a fist to his cheek. He pulled away somewhat and smiled, and her eyes went from his to her feet, shyly.
            Why is the only thing I can think “I love you.” That’s stupid. This is dumb. I love this girl. Stupid. Infatuation, kid. You have to fuck her. Why? Not necessary. All I need is her hand. Why? All I need is her hand.
            His hands were on her shoulders and he dropped them, taking her hand with one. He kissed it and then her. She let go of his hand and hugged him tightly. She let go of this embrace as well and led him back into the bar. His hands were in his pockets now, hers swinging at her sides. They went to their table and saw that it was now taken by a different crowd. Looking around, they saw their friends were no longer present. Elissa reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. After a moment she showed the screen to Michael: To: Elissa From: Jamie :: Have fun ;).
            She replaced her phone, took his hand, and, after finding their tab paid, left the bar. Wow. Shit, this is great. I can’t just take her back to my place, can I? Jesus, look at those eyes. Of course I can take her back to my place. But what will we do? Well, you’ve already resolved not to fuck her, so enjoy your middle school romance and hold her close, she’ll be gone tomorrow.

~~~

Why did he make me put my shirt back on? It’s cold out here. Why are we outside? Where are my friends? Why is he looking at me like that? Oh god, my stomach.
Sara kept looking around and feeling paranoid at every blurry, blank face that passed by. She was sitting on a wooden bench outside Blake’s Bar. He said his name is Alex. That’s a nice name. He made her put her shirt back on and walked her out of the bar. He had so many questions and she just wanted to disappear into him. Who didn’t want to have sex with Sara? Why didn’t he want to have sex with her? Was she unattractive? Was it because she puked on him? Why is he looking at me like that? She recalled trying to kiss him, but he had dodged her advance and grabbed her shoulders and sat her down at the bench. When he had sat next to her, she fell onto his shoulder. Surprisingly, he placed an arm around her and rocked her slowly.
Who is this man?
Time passed and neither said a word. Did she fall asleep? She felt more aware now. Something changed. Everything wasn’t as blurry. She still had a headache, but her stomach wasn’t urging to escape through her esophagus. Maybe she was finally sobering up. She had a glass of water in her hands now, but didn’t remember how it got there or if she had even drank any of it. It was half full.
“Are you back,” Alex asked.
“I… I dunno.” I think I’m back. “I think so.”
“What happened to you?”
“Party at Matt’s… Linda and Michelle… bar hopping. Why didn’t they cut me off?”
“Good fucking question.”
“And why are you here?” Sara asked.
“I have nowhere else to be,” he said staring at the ground. He hadn’t looked at her yet.
“Did I take my shirt off?”
“Umm. Well, yes. Sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“I might have told you to. But I was joking, you were drunk.”
“Am drunk.”
“Are drunk,” he said. “What’s your story, Sara?” He knew her name. How much had she said so far? This is ridiculous.
“I’m never getting this drunk again,” Sara said.
“That’s what they all say. Anyway, it’d be a good idea not to.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’m waiting,” he said.
“Right,” she started. “I don’t know. I could come up with a million reasons as to why I’m like this.”
“Well, not quite what I asked, but go on. What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that I just drank way too much. And that I’ve put myself in danger in so many ways by coming out here and doing so. And having friends that just leave me lying in the men’s bathroom.”
Alex listened.
“I don’t even know why I went to those parties, or why I’ve been drinking. I’m not even of age to drink. Bartenders don’t care what you show them as long as it looks like an ID. I didn’t used to be like this. I’ve changed somewhere along the way and I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”
Alex laughed quietly, but didn’t say anything.
“I’ve been thinking this a lot. And—wow, this headache is ridiculous… not going to enjoy waking up tomorrow—anyway, I’ve been thinking about this change thing, and I’ve only been able to think of it in this one way. It’s not very conclusive, but here it is: I feel like a million people making decisions for one body over periods of time.”
“Clever,” he said. More time passed. She fell asleep again, but after asking Alex for the time, she discovered only ten minutes had passed. She didn’t know this man, and she wasn’t going to bother him any further, so she decided to call a cab.

~~~

Alex continued to sit on the same bench outside of Blake’s long after Sara left. He did go back inside for one more bottle of beer, but chose to sit outside and reflect. Normally he would reflect inside the bar with all of its buzzing and random ramblings. Because of Sara, though, silence and cold were his current preference. He would go home to his lonely apartment soon, but for now he wished to avoid that as much as possible.
Another image flashed within his mind: the flower set on his windowsill, dead. He shook again. Why did these things make him shake? Melodramatic. Just a bit. But he couldn’t help that, or at least he didn’t believe it was something he could help.
Sara’s drunken musings were weighing heavily on his mind. He knew exactly how she felt. Not the why, but the feeling itself. Did he feel like the same person he was yesterday? Yes and no. Yesterday was a different Alex than today; ten minutes ago Alex was a different Alex than now. But he was still just plain old Alex. No shit. Somehow he managed to skip the regret of not taking advantage of that beautiful blonde who wasn’t old enough to drink but certainly old enough to fuck. You’re thinking about it now.
His mind went back to memories. Not only was it a different version of himself in each memory, but it was a different story. But how accurate could each story be? He thought about her, and how many times were the actions and words and feelings just lies told by the past? Can you really say every memory is true? It’s just a collection of lies. Did he love her? Did she love him? Was that book from middle school really still his favorite, or had he clung to it from a sense of nostalgia? Not just these things, but everything; everything he could ever remember felt like an illusion, a false tale. They were all true, yes, but were they exactly how he remembered them? No. Probably not at all.
All the good memories fade until all I have left is seeing myself become the monster from which I meant to defend.
Touché, sir. Oh yes, how clever.
There were cars driving by, music as well as a myriad of conversations being had within the bar, people walking past, and the cold breeze stinging his ears. The only thing that stirred him from his thoughts was the sound of sirens coming from a distance. He could tell by the patterns and pitch that it was the sound of a police car and not an ambulance or fire engine. Who was it making a mistake? What was their mistake, and how unlike him were they really? Whoever it was, whatever it was, he or she was just an embodiment of thousands of souls vying for control, just like him.
He tossed his beer into the trash and began to walk home.

III

Fox took his shoes and coat off and set his keys on the kitchen counter. He started up the stairs to the bedroom when he heard Lisbeth say his name. He didn’t say anything in reply.
“Fox?” she said somewhat worriedly.
He opened the bedroom door and said, “Yes, it’s just me.”
“You could answer next time,” she said. He took off his socks, his shirt, and his pants, and then crawled into bed behind her. He tried lying behind her and put his arm around her.
“Fox, you’re cold!” she said. He started to cry.
“Fox?” she said with the same worried voice. She turned over to face him. She put her hands on his face. “Fox, what’s wrong, honey?” But Fox couldn’t say anything.
“Come here,” she said and pulled his head into her chest. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” She hadn’t used these names for him in so long.
“I love you,” he whispered. He was scared when she didn’t say it back, but he heard her begin to cry too.
“I’m so sorry, Fox,” she whispered. “Whatever it is, I’m sorry.” And he continued to cry.
“I love you,” she said and kissed the top of his head many times.
Fox calmed down as she ran her hands through his hair and caressed his face. She was kissing him on the lips and saying, “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” he said after a few moments.
“What for, love?”
“I don’t know. For everything. I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too,” she said.
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”

~~~

Everything was dark and Michael had no idea how any of this was real. In fact, in the darkness, he wasn’t sure it was real. But then he moved his thumb over Elissa’s hand. He held her hand as he held her there, in his bed, in his apartment, in this strange and currently perfect universe. She was asleep now, but how would he ever be able to? This was too perfect. They just met, they made out, they came to his home, and they got into his bed. And why were they in his bed? To sleep! He managed to keep himself from losing control. Maybe she wanted to sleep with him in the non-literal sense, too, but it didn’t matter. Somehow he knew she would be okay with just this. And this was just perfect.
Could it so simply end on this note?
Finally, he fell asleep.
There were dreams, and there were nightmares. He saw each one vividly, and when he woke up with her still in his arms he was not sure that she wasn’t a dream. But she wasn’t. Would she be here when he would wake up? It didn’t even matter. All that mattered was then and now, and then was perfect, and now was perfect, and starting at sunrise he would make sure that later would be perfect, too. He would hold onto Elissa for as long as he could.
And again, he fell asleep.
~~~

Sara slept outside her locked dorm room. The girls clearly got back before she did, and she didn’t have her keys. She knocked, but no one answered. She called cell phones, and no one answered.
She wasn’t sure if it was a dream… But there was a boy. He crouched beside her and said, “You need a place to stay for the night?” Everything was blurry. Was she still asleep? “It comes with a price,” he said. There was a blur of motion and darkness and her cheek in a pillow as a ghost moved into her. And what was there to remember again?

~~~
The music resonated more than any other aspect of Alex’s memories. The slow piano notes forging an intro and pulling him into a forgotten nirvana. The hairs on his arms rose with the slow crescendo. There was an emotion there. The notes in his mind rose to a maximum forte and welled tears in his eyes. The decrescendo calmed him and the memories came to a rest just before a tear slid out and down his cheek.
            Why. Why am I still here? How long has it been?
Do you even remember?
Two years and…three months. Two months. Yes. Or… Yes, that’s right. Two years and two months. Whose pity am I looking to obtain? There’s no one around. Is this self-pity? Am I so far gone that I’ve split myself in two and need the comfort of my inner voice?
Yes. Ha ha. What more would you expect?
But this is ridiculous.
Is it?
She broke up with me more than two years ago and I’m still in this pitiful state.
So get over it already. Find a new girl. Dime-a-dozen, you know.
Shut up. I fucking hate you.
Yeah, yeah. Hate you too, you pitiful prick.
Tears heavy now as he blinked them out.
Wipe them away. You look like a melodramatic pansy-pants letting them get so far. Grow up.
He wiped away the tears on his shirt sleeve. Some gathered at his lips and he licked them, tasting the salt. He wiped his lips with his forearm and brushed the wetness away with his hand.
He flicked his eyes around the room for a moment before landing them back on the sight of the dead orchid plant. Dead. How did it die? He had nurtured it.
To death, apparently.
Dammit.
The orchid. It was a plant she owned before she left. He took it in memory of her, and now it was dead. He looked to this as a metaphor of hope. The flower had died just has his hope for anything to work out with her. But metaphors aren’t perfect. He still had hope, even if it was the tiniest sliver. Maybe the orchid still had a sliver of life left.
No, that would be stupid. Would he really try to nurture back to life something that was already dead? Oh, look, another metaphor. Could life be this mundane?
Could you be any more pathetic? Of course life is this mundane. It’s all mundane. I’ll tell you what. You need to go out and live a little. I mean it.
And do what? What am I going to do?
Go to a bar. I don’t know.
I was just at a goddamn bar, asshole.
Sounds like you just need some friends, bud.
Thanks.
And where were his friends? Didn’t matter. Everything was money and work and money. And more work and more money. One screwed up distraction. There was nothing for him. All purpose flew out the window when the only thing you wanted was to love and be loved. So much for being loved. Someone could love this miserable boy of a man, right?
Riiiiiight.
Alex sighed in response to the thought.
All over a useless plant.

By MFW III

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmasy Christmas mas

Christmasy Christmas mas. Yar. Happy Merry Jolly Joyful Christmasy Christmas mas. ;)

"I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart." I need one of those right nao.

Goodnight/morning/day/evening.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Payson

With this blog, I do me, and no one else unless I have their permission. But I don't go around asking their permission, even though most of my friends would likely say yes to using their names.

~~~

I met my goddaughter Payson Fay--she has my middle name (>.<)--the other day. It might be strange... but I've never held a newborn before. And I've also only ever held a baby once or twice before. I wasn't scared to hold her, drop her, or anything like that. But I didn't know how to hold a newborn. Turns out it's pretty natural.

Anyway, here's a video and a picture. :D

~~~
~~~

P.S.: I resolve that if I cannot come up with something that made me happy on any given day, I must go out and do happy. #still content though

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Hobbit Film Review

Hype

When you hear about the new Lord of the Rings prequel coming out, you think, "This should be good." When you also hear that director Peter Jackson is continuing to work on the Lord of the Rings film universe, you think, "This should be damn good." When you find out it is the first of three, when the story comprises of a single book, you think, "Well, now Hollywood just wants all my money," which makes you think, "Rip off." And when you see young Bilbo in the trailers you think, "Boring." And when you remember that all they did in Lord of the Rings was walk, you think, "Boring." And you don't think, "This is going to be better than Lord of the Rings."

But it is.

Book vs. Film

I didn't read the book. I plan to. I hear a lot is different. Regardless of what the book holds, this film is fantastic.

A Lot of Walking

But a lot more running. True, Lord of the Rings doesn't only contain walking, but there is a lot. Things seem to have evolved in Hobbit. There is a lot more running than I recall in previous films. Also, things seem to be more exaggerated in Hobbit, which is good.

There and Back Again

Hobbit tells the story of Bilbo Baggins and his adventures with not seven, but thirteen dwarfs, as well as Gandalf the Grey. They are on a journey to kill the dragon Smaug and take back the dwarf kingdom "under the mountain." On their way to this mountain, they encounter orcs, goblins, stone-trolls, Gollum, fighting mountains (you'll see), and probably more that I'm forgetting. All of this: one film. And there are two more to come. This one was pretty amazing and certainly better than I was expecting. I can't wait until the next two. Glad to be back in Middle Earth.

9/10

~~~

P.S.: Nothing exciting today, but I got to see my goddaughter yesterday. :D (12/20/12)

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Monday, December 17, 2012

Say My Name

Hello, my name is Montanna.
Your name is Montana?
Yes. Like the state, but with two N's.
Well, two N's at the end, but three total.
Oh.
Yeah, it's M-O-N-T-A-N-N-A.
Oh, okay.
What's your last name?
It's Wilber.
Ah.
With an "E-R".
Like the pig?
No, no. The pig is "U-R". Mine is "E-R".
Oh, okay.
What's your middle name?
We don't talk about it.
Are you from Montana?
No.
Are your parents from Montana?
No.
Why did they name you Montanna?
It's my dad's name.
Oh.
And his dad's name.
Oh, okay. So you're a Jr.?
No, I'm a third. My dad's a Jr.
Oh. Well, where does that come from?
I... uh... don't know.
Hmm.
Yep. I didn't name myself.
Generation Before: That's a lovely name.
Thank you.
Current Generation: That's a weird name.
Thanks.

~~~

(Because I like to make people laugh, I decide to make myself the butt of my own joke. For instance... why am I even about to tell you this???)

Does your name mean anything?
Well, I imagine that "Montanna" comes from the state at one point or another, which is M-O-N-T-A-N-A.  And the state's namesake is the Spanish word "Montaña," which means "mountain" or "mountainous country."
Okay.
And my last name "Wilber" is German for  "resolute" or "brilliant," thank you very much, but for the sake of humor we will say it means pig, just like Wilbur from Charlotte's Web.
So you are a mountain pig.
Oh, it get's worse.
Oh?
Yeah... My middle name... which I didn't tell you for a reason as you may recall. Is Fay.
Like F-A-Y-E?
No, F-A-Y.
Where the hell does that come from? Do your parents hate you?
Family name. Probably.
What's that mean?
It comes from the Middle English "faie." Which means "fairy"...
Ha Ha.
So you're a mountain fairy pig!
BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
A brilliant, resolute mountain fairy pig, thank you very much.

~~~

And if you dare ever say my full name, do say my FULL name.
Montanna Fay Wilber!
Uh-uh. Ain't gon fly.
MONTANNA FAY WILBER THE THIRD.
Yes, Mom?

~~~

Google Chrome and Blogger, which is owned by Google, are both telling me that my last name is spelled wrong. =(

~~~

P.S.: At work I was walking back to my cubicle, and on my way I discovered an empty hallway where I promptly decided to skip instead of walk. It's safe to say that I only skipped once, but the act of completing the skip was too funny to continue walking back to my cubicle with a straight face. (12.9.12)

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Sigh No More

Well, maybe one more time.

There's supposed to be a book review of Island of the Blue Dolphins tomorrow. I haven't written it yet, and I stayed out kind of late. Granted, it was ten when I got home. Regardless, you will not be seeing my review tomorrow morning at 6AM. I'm going to try to get it out tomorrow, still. To be honest the book is very boring. I would normally have this review already written, but I've been procrastinating on reading the book because 1) it's boring and 2) I've been working on "Thoughts That Think." It feels like a really good story. I've never done this sort of story, but I'm finally writing one that isn't just some okay poetry in the form of prose. I do love most of what I've written in the past, but I think this one is very different and that you will like. Especially since I picked writing it over reading the book for the review...

~~~

P.S.: I'm supposed to be posting happy stuff. I hate to disappoint. This makes me sad, but I am not sad. (12/13/12)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

"Fall"


A Short Story

(Preface: My 10th grade English teacher gave our class a writing assignment, which was to be about our choice of a few different topics. I chose to write about "crocodile tears.")

Spring played a major role in the lives of adolescents living in Williamsburg before the war. It had been a season of joy and love for most and especially for Aaron Hetfield, who was about through his teenage years. Things had been changing all around Aaron every day, but he hadn't taken note; even the seasons had begun to change without his realizing.
All throughout spring, Aaron had enjoyed dates with his lovely girlfriend, time with his admirably ignorant friends, and practically no time with his family. Aaron was almost never home; he took advantage of his time, spending it carelessly anywhere and everywhere but home. Like most his age, home was not his haven, however, unlike most, he hadn't a haven at all. Adolescents in Williamsburg would have taken refuge from their families and lives at a friend's home or a library or a park, but that was before the war.
He ignored his fear by being with his supposed friends. It was his way of blocking out the truth. One might think that being with his friends was what made him feel protected and that wherever his friends were was his haven. It wasn't though. Even around his friends he was afraid.
Toward the end of spring, people around Aaron began to slowly fade away. Summer flew by unnoticed; it wasn't until the beginning of fall that he started recognizing change. The loss of his wonderful girlfriend opened his eyes to everything. When he lost her, everything about him changed. Aaron couldn't find it in himself to be happy. Most of the time he had was spent alone playing music, or crying silently to himself, allowing only one or two tears to fall before wiping them away, or both simultaneously.
Truth be told, he hadn't known sadness before the war. Change like no other arose in Aaron when the war came in winter. Maybe, during the fall, sadness was all he could feel, but it was nothing compared to that of the war; Aaron had never seen death before. Spring wasn't the same when it came back around.
Aaron lost his parents during all of the fighting, and Caleb, Aaron's closest friend and fellow soldier, was killed in action before Aaron's eyes. Surely, though, after experiencing war, Aaron would never cry those crocodile tears again.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Top Three

I really love making lists of things. I was thinking I would provide a list of all of my top threes in different categories, because I have nothing better to do and think it would be an interesting look into my life. And here I am acting on that thought. Maybe some of these will tickle your fancy.

Books
Paper Towns by John Green
Looking for Alaska by John Green
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Short Works
"The Egg" a short story by Andy Weir
Secret Window, Secret Garden a novella by Stephen King
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner a Twilight novella by Stephenie Meyer

Poetry
"Tithonus" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
"Holy Sonnet 14" by John Donne
"A Person, A Paper, A Promiseby Dr. Earl Reum


Authors
John Green (Looking for Alaska)
Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz)
Ted Dekker (The Circle Series)

Movies
Star Wars (Original and Prequel Trilogies)
Secret Window
Inception

Actors
Robert Downey, Jr. (Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes)
Hugh Laurie (House, M.D.)
Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands, Pirates of the Caribbean)

Actresses
Olivia Wilde (Tron)
Kate Beckinsale (Underworld)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)

Directors
Christopher Nolan (Inception)
Stephen Spielberg (JawsE.T.Jurassic Park)
George Lucas (Star Wars)

Fictitious Characters
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader (Star Wars)
Ender Wiggin (Ender's Game)
Margo Roth Speigalman (Paper Towns)

Vloggers
vlogbrothers (John and Hank Green)
pogobat (Dan Brown)
wheezywaiter (Craig Benzine)

Bloggers (I only follow one blogger... So I've listed two other blogs to complete the three.)
Donald Miller (www.storylineblog.com)
Bungie (www.bungie.net)
Halo Waypoint (www.halo.xbox.com)

Bands/Musicians
Underoath
Emery
Iron and Wine

Music Albums
Define the Great Line by Underoath
In Shallow Seas We Sail by Emery
A Lesson in Romantics by Mayday Parade

There are so many more lists that could be made, but I feel all of these shall suffice.

~~~

P.S.: Reading and writing have made me happy today. But really, when don't they? Have a good Monday! (12/03/12)

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Ties That Bind Memory and Time

Both        and         are having a bad time. To get their minds off of it, I asked (texted) what their favorite memory is. The importance of this isn't what they said, but what I decided my favorite memory is is.

I remember a night. I remember sitting with        at her piano. We both played "Scarborough Fair." I started to sing for her. She began singing, too. Her voice was so beautiful. We were so beautiful. And I have never felt more connected to anyone than with her at that moment.

(November 4, 2010)

~~~

P.S.: I feel bad that I can't come up with significant happy moments. It should be noted that I enjoy myself anytime I hang out with Alex. So I can't think of anything other than that... (12/6/12)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

"Blue"

You are a symbol of many things.
To me, you are two,
And ultimately three.
You are a symbol of sadness.
To me, you are how I feel,
And the opposite of the other.
You are a symbol of happiness.
To me, you are the effect of lightenment,
And my preferred opposite.
Ultimately,
You are a symbol of my lover's eyes.
To me, you are a beauty so perfect,
And my reminder
That I still have a reason to be alive.

by MFW III

Monday, December 3, 2012

Stand Still December

Stand still December, for you are the last in this series of endless numbered days.

December Setup for Wednesdays and Fridays:

12/05- Poem: "Blue"
12/07- Journal Entry

12/12- Short Story: "Fall"
12/14- Book Review: Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell

12/19- Poem: "Short and Sweet"
12/21- End of the World
        - And if it doesn't end: Film Review: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

12/26- NO POST (Because the world is no more.)
        - But if it remains: New Short Story: "Thoughts That Think" (Working Title)
12/28- New Music: "Cinere"

So yeah. That's pretty much the idea for this month. I would like to do a sort of book club thing going to coincide with the book review, but I'll have to wait until Words Once Withered has garnered a larger readership. For now I have chosen to read and review Island of the Blue Dolphins, to which I was referred by a friend. If I can help it, I would like to read all of my closest friends' favorite books. (Maybe I can get all of them to read mine: Paper Towns. (I know, I know. It changes every post.))

I've decided the best setup for my creative writing is to do two poems, one short story, and one new short story. This should keep me preoccupied for 8-11 months, after which I will have no idea what to do. But if I can keep this blog running for that long, I'm sure I'll have already come up with something. Maybe I'll be more awesome. Not many are reading this when this posts, but you wait. It will have over 100,000 views eventually... As long as I keep looking at WOW when I'm not logged in.

Another creative writing idea I've had is to do serials. Like... a series of books, or TV series, but it's weekly and in short story form. Chapter form, maybe. And then it could become a book... Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. And I'm just thinking out loud now. Or on paper.. Or in type rather. Arghhh.

If you've been with me the since the beginning, then you know monthly specials were: VlogFilmreviewJournalentryBookreview for October; and: JournalentryVideogamereviewFilmreviewBookreview for November. Now for December, we've kept: JournalentryBookreviewFilmreview; and added: Newmusic. New music can consist of anything such as covers or songs that I have written and composed myself, such as this month's piano piece I am finalizing.

Hopefully the world doesn't end. That would suck a little.

~~~

P.S.: I enjoyed chilling and  playing Black Ops II with my friend and his prego wifey. (12/2/12)

Friday, November 30, 2012

Looking for Alaska Book Review

The Review

In Short

Looking for Alaska is a young adult novel about a boy named Miles Halter ("Pudge") who decides to begin his "Great Perhaps" by attending Culver Creek Preparatory High School, where he meets Alaska Young, whom the idea of becomes the pivotal concept from which the novel swings from Before to After.

Reading My Own Biography

I didn't go to boarding school. I did not experience what "Pudge" and his friends experience during their junior year. However, the faculty and staff remind me of my own high schools', and Pudge's friends remind me of my own friends. Most, very most, importantly: the questions the protagonist poses and the conclusions he comes to are questions and conclusions I am still presenting years after high school. And love: tragically, Looking for Alaska reminds me of my loves.

Innocence and Experience

Alaska is written in two parts, Before and After, starting at 136 days before and ending at appropriately 136 days after. I've come to look at these separate parts as compared to William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience. In Blake's poems, the poems of innocence are full of hope and perhaps naivety, whereas the poems of experience are more despairing and filled with a sense of realism. Before, Pudge is falling and falling for Alaska, but after, as the back cover of my edition suggests, "Nothing is ever the same." Unfortunately, it takes Pudge's experience to bring him to his own sense of realism. It's this experience and subsequent experiences that help form his questions and also to form his final conclusion.

What It's Worth

Alaska is a beautiful book. There's vulgar language, pranking, smoking, drinking, and sex, all of which are balanced by it's religious undertones, philosophy, coming-of-age set up, and over all life lessons. In the middle I was crying. Not during, but after; and not because of the idea or event itself, but because of how Pudge reacts. And in the end I was crying. Because I was able to feel it all, even if I've never been in those shoes. That is the talent of an arguably skilled author and artist. I could still feel the emotion days after reading. I don't plan to read many books a second time, but this one is a rare find. I can see myself reading it not only a second time, but a third and fourth. Alaska is positively a beautiful masterpiece.

10/10

Quotes from Looking for Alaska


  • "When adults say, 'Teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
  • "Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps.
  • "Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful."
  • "[...] if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane."

P.S.:

Talking to a friend I haven't spoken to in a some time made me happy today.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

"Hope Deserted"

A Short Story

I couldn’t remember if I’d ever felt so alone. What was the difference between two instances where one has been alone? One instance, you could be all by yourself with an apathetic feeling toward the fact; another, you could be in a place filled to the brim with people, and yet, feel completely alone. Why? Well, regardless, I was alone in both senses of the word. Completely alone.
I was on my knees for only a short moment. I stood and began walking. Wandering, more specifically. Where was I? A desert. Void of life as my body would soon be. The sand was a light shade of yellow. The sky, just as empty, was not the typical blue, but rather, it was white. There were no clouds, no birds. Just a bright, empty whiteness that my eyes could hardly see even when strained. There was no hope in the heavens; there was no hope on earth, even, as my eyes and thoughts came back to it. And I was in hell. The sun, whose location I assumed was directly above me, shone on the desert sands and me without mercy. I, myself, was but a grain of sand, burning among the rest. Bearing the pain, I walked. Wandered, endlessly. Aimlessly.
Everything was so bright and burning, but it was all dark. My perception was hazy as I looked around; my hands, my legs and feet moving beneath me, and the rolling sands of the desert floor. Beyond all of this, I could see perfectly; the distant mountains, hope, and home.
All I could think of was home and how my dissipating hope was slowing me from reaching such a destination. But it wasn’t home I was wandering toward. I was looking for something, and, after long thoughts of a bed to sleep in, I understood what I was looking for. I wondered why she left my side and where she could be in the whole of this vast nothingness. Would I ever find her? I didn’t know which direction to go; it would be a miracle if I found her.
Instinct told me to run to the mountains where, if I didn’t find her, I could recoup in order to return to the desert in search of her again. And who knew, maybe I would happen across her on the way. My heart told me to turn my back to the mountains and search every inch of these damned dunes. I would die in search of my love. With these thoughts of finding her came hope revived. No one could be this lonely and wish to live. I survived through hope alone. With this hope of not being alone, I continued.
I turned my back to the mountains and walked on. Soon I was able to look back and no longer see the mountains. Now I was lost and without a sense of direction. For all I knew, I was walking in circles. But I refused to give up. I refused to give up hope.
The desert moved slowly as I walked through it. The crawling dunes provided short, hot breezes as well as rare, hotter, gusts of wind. I must have become crazy, because after going on and on for so long I started to look for traces of her. Perhaps I would see her hair band or, maybe, a lost shoe. I glanced back to see if there were any footprints in the sand, but all were my own. Even my footprints faded in the shifting of the dunes; especially, though, when the dunes halted altogether at the edge of flat, cracked, dry ground. I managed to exit one form of desolation into another. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. The desert—this one in particular—was Satan’s sand box. If there was a hell, I believed I had found it.
I stared off into the flat expanse that ended in a broad haze. Everything was hazy now. I fell to my knees, overwhelmed. My feet were beyond burned and my skin, lips, mouth, eyes, and lungs were all dry. I closed my eyes to a burning sensation and then opened them again to a worse burning. I quickly shut them again. They were better off closed; they continued to burn, but not as badly as when I had reopened them. They began to water from the pain. I wasn’t sure when the watering turned into the welling of tears; but shortly, tears began to drip from my eyes as I clenched them shut. My cheeks dried almost as soon as they had been wet. With hope surely lost somewhere back in the dunes with my sanity, I resolved that I would die here on my knees in the middle of nowhere, alone.
What am I looking for again?
It was strange feeling everything at once: alone in every sense, in pain in every sense. What motivation could there possibly be?
Her.
No. No, I wouldn’t die here. I pulled up one leg and pushed myself to my feet. I stood shaking and almost fell back to the ground. I opened my eyes. There was no burning. Everything was still hazy, but I saw a figure in the distance. Through the visible heat, I saw what appeared to be a black-hooded man walking toward me. Was I hallucinating? As the figure closed the distance between us, I realized it was her. I tried to walk toward her, but I was still on the verge of collapse. Her brown hair hung down and touched the shoulders of her strapless, black dress. I could see her clearly; everything else was shrouded in the same haze. I could see her and nothing else. She stopped three feet away from me. Her dress was torn in multiple places and her lips were cracked. I could barely see the blue of her eyes within the bloodshot whites. She looked dreadful. She looked beautiful.
I reached out to her and she stepped back. Her face seemed emotionless, but I felt something beyond that. I’m sure my face showed confusion. I stepped forward, still shaking. She stepped forward. I was relieved.
“I found you,” I whispered.
“But I lost you,” she said.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been searching everywhere.” I shook.
“You left me. I was alone.”
“I never intended to. I meant to always be there.” I was crying.
“You’re intentions were always the issue, darling.” She was crying. “I love you,” she said.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.” She stepped toward me and wrapped her arms around me with her head against my chest. I held her for what felt like forever. And it would be forever before I let go. She let go. When she did, she took ahold of my hand and held it against her cheek. Her face was warm. I curled my fingers and brushed my nails lightly over her smooth skin. I could even feel the warmth of her face through the air around it. I thought it was the sun, but it was her. She burst into fire. My hand flinched away from the extreme heat. She looked at me with longing eyes as the flames engulfed her form. Her dress began dripping black to the ground. She grew ever hotter and ever brighter. I could no longer bear to look at her through the light. I felt my face contort into the shape of true fear. And it was over. She was gone. I dropped to my knees yet again. The only thing left of her was the pool of her dress. It was a pool of despair and I wanted to dive in. I fell to my hands and water leaked from my mouth. I rolled onto my back next to the pool of blackness and my saliva. My eyes refused to blink as I stared into the nothingness of the sky. And as I stared at God, I reached my hand into the air as if he would lend me a hand and pull me to my feet. My hand fell to my chest and I closed my eyes.
Serenity flowed through my veins and solace spilled from my eyes. These things disappeared when I opened them. Respectfully, agony and anguish replaced them. The sun was swapped by the moon and the heat was exchanged with cold. The black pool that served as the only proof of my love’s existence remained no longer. All that was left was the desert.
I sat on the cracked floor and pulled my knees to my chest. I was shivering. It was so cold I could see my breath, a reminder that I was still alive. But for what? I couldn’t answer my own question. There is no answer. There is no answer. Shivering turned to shaking. Why? My heart screamed in silence. I shook horribly. Why?! I stopped breathing and then screamed. My lungs burned as they exhaled my pain. Pain became a chain reaction of every action I performed. I broke from embracing myself and writhed in complete agony.
“Why?!” I roared. “God… why?” I screamed in a whisper. I considered screaming obscenities at the empty sky questioning its motives. Useless. I was alone and there was only me.
What could I do? What point would there be in… anything? Not only was I alone in many senses, I was lost. Deserted by hope. I was borderline insane. Deserted by logic.
Logic? No… this? But it… This is a dream? Why was I in a desert? How had I gotten here?
My love. Oh my God. My love was alive. I would awake from this nightmare and she would be asleep by my side. Thank you, God. Thank you.
I stood to my feet against the cold and against the still dry air within and without my lungs. I was relieved, and the desert came to an end.
Lying on my side, I awoke to true sunlight with tears slipping down my face. I had that feeling of emptiness in my gut. Why? Why, God?  I looked at my alarm clock. 5:27. There was no point in going back to sleep with only three minutes remaining. I sat up. Before standing and getting ready for work, I waited, reminiscing in empty thoughts. Apathetic. I stood to embrace the long day ahead.

By MFW III

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Battle I Didn't Know I Was Fighting

What is that battle you ask? Well, I hit on it in a previous post, if you'll remember:
  • I don't currently have a girlfriend.
    • And if I did, I still wouldn't have sex.
      • And that's probably why I don't have a girlfriend.
      • Or it's because I'm bad with commitment, but that's a different post altogether.
~10/05/12, "I'm Too Sexy For My Pride"

The battle was between times, Before and After. And this, my friends, is the "different post altogether."

I would like to talk about each of the points beneath "I don't currently have a girlfriend." Once I've completed this session, we'll pretty much have answered the why to that statement.

Why I don't have sex...
This goes back pretty far. Like, to Bible times. It started out as a Christian moral I held and rationalized into my present state of thinking on the subject. Firstly, do I even want sex? Hell yes, I want sex. Are you crazy? I'm a guy! Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'M HUMAN. What human being can actually say they do not want sex? I accept that there are people who claim to be asexual. I do not understand these people. I will pretend they do not exist (until I meet one). There are probably people who might say the same about me and my people: the people who would prefer to wait until marriage to have sex. So, secondly, now that we've covered that I actually do want sex, the reason I don't is because... because I'd like for it to be savored. I do the same thing with kissing (granted, I do kiss before marriage). It feels like this sacred thing, and not just because God has made it so, but because I only want to share it with one person. I've only ever kissed five people. I'd like to keep that to a minimum. Same thing for sex.

No sex = no girlfriend...
There aren't many people like me out there. It's not that I want a virgin; it doesn't matter whether they are or not. But there aren't many girls my age who are willing to wait for me. =( That's okay.. that's fine. Just makes her harder to find.

Why I'm bad with commitment...
*Sigh* I'm bad with commitment because I'm in love with a girl I cannot have. Maybe I'm not in love. Maybe I'm not anymore or never was. But I think I was. Though, I don't know that I am anymore. All the good memories fade until all I have is seeing myself become the monster from which I meant to defend. It's hard to fall in love or make a relationship work when you keep looking for her in them. And it's not fair to them. First I'm using them to get over her, and then when that doesn't work, I'm breaking up with them because they're not her. I can't help it. I'm done looking though. I will simply wait for a more beautiful butterfly. Or until she flutters back.

Or until I'm dead.

~~~

P.S.: I've been simply content today, and cannot recall anything in particular that has made me happy. This is sort of upsetting. There should be at least one thing, right? Well, I am at least content. And maybe, just maybe, that is cause for being happy.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Cloud Atlas Film Review

Cloud Atlas is a film containing six separate, but still connected, stories. The set up may prove challenging for many to follow, but if you are able to, you will find yourself ever-curious. It begins with one of Tom Hanks's older, bald and bearded characters narrating. The next times you see him, he is a doctor in the 19th century, a scientist in the 20th, a criminal in the 21st, and more. Halle Berry holds a protagonistic role as a reporter in the late 20th century; Jim Broadbent plays an old publisher sent to a prison-like old folks home in the 21st; Jim Sturgess is an explorer to the Americas in the 19th; and Ben Wishaw is a musician in the early 20th; and all of these actors play multiple roles as a new, supporting character in a few, and sometimes all, of the six stories.

The movie sits at a daring 171 minutes in length. And you thought Star Wars films were long. This is borderline Lord of the Rings, but you get six separate stories out of it.

One thing for sure is that each protagonist shares a birthmark with the next, showing a physical connection over time. Of course, this is more symbolism than anything. The protagonists are quite different, but what remains the same is the world around them, even throughout time. It is the idea of conflict. This story is adapted from the book of the same name by David Mitchell, who said "the book's theme is predacity, the way individuals prey on individuals, groups on groups, nations on nations, tribes on tribes."

There is so much about this film that cannoy be simply said in a review. Each story, in itself, is beautiful; put together, these stories tell the story of Humanity, and even that is beautiful. Aside from story itself, each of the actors play their separate parts amazingly well. It's almost like a play on acting as a career: one person going from role to role, like the characters in the story: one soul going from time to time, place to place, people to people.

Cloud Atlas is art in film, truly, and unlike so many. Unfortunately, Cloud Atlas may be overlooked due to many factors, including but not limited to: its length, the time it takes from opening to climax in each individual story, and the taboo themes it presents. Nevertheless, I see a masterpiece.

9/10

~~~

P.S.: I enjoyed having Thanksgiving with my family in Florida, and reading Paper Towns by John Green on all of the lengthy, crazy car rides. *Sigh* I <3 Margo, too.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"To Find What Has Been Lost"


A Short Story

(Preface: I must have written this story between 10th and 11th grade (2008-2009). It's old and definitely needs revision. I do like this one, though, very much. It uses an element I use in many of my short stories and perhaps even in coming novels. Because of heavy content I plan on posting currently and soon, I feel that this story has earned its place here and now. Enjoy.)


The ground was wet with dew and wherever it wasn’t it was with rain from the night that had lasted longer than any night he had ever experienced. Faint drips of precipitation from beyond the forest cover could be heard hitting the ground here and there, but never wherever he wandered. The humidity of this night was perhaps the worst part of his physical journey. His shoes were torn and soaked with sweat. His shirt was torn on one side and his pants ripped in places. Every muscle he could even think of ached. His head throbbed with an unbearable pounding, a musical beat that was in no way at all soothing. His hair was drenched with perspiration and rain from a long downpour that lasted hours of his night already traveled. His internal clock had broken sometime earlier in the night. Dawn awaited somewhere in the distance, but when or where, he did not know.
His memory failed him completely from all of the stress. The only thing that kept him moving was her face. His instincts guided his way. His thoughts traveled nowhere with him; however, his thoughts were concentrated solely on her face, her figure, her perfect silhouette that cast light upon his dreams of the day from lack of sleep, his obliged insomnia. Time was almost non-existent, but to say that it was would be a lie. Time was nor here nor there. Yet time was here and there at the same time, ironically. If anything came close to the pains caused by humidity, it was the emotional stress caused by time and the feeling it brought of hushed presence and boisterous absence.
When he saw her he wanted to run. When he saw her he wanted to cry. He wanted to smile. He saw himself run to her: he embraced her with a kiss and the sun began to rise from whence she came; every happy moment in his life flashed before his eyes making him lose all feeling of stress and discomfort from the forest’s entrapment.
When he saw her he couldn’t run. When he saw her he couldn’t even cry. He wanted to smile, but was unable. He saw himself run to her, but instead fell to his knees. He imagined a kiss, but there was no kiss to be had. Every happy moment in his life fled his mind making every feeling of stress and discomfort from the forest’s binding entrapment numb. A trick of the mind had her presence been. And it was then, while on his knees, that he realized the sun was rising behind him from whence he came.

by MFW III