Love and Lost Time

It’s interesting looking back at life and the way I have handled situations. There aren’t many times I handled things well, but for some reason I can’t say I would handle them any differently. I think that is what is ultimately important. All of my decisions were based on whatever I had to work with. I can look back and say maybe it would have been better if I did this, and I’ll be saying that a couple years from now, too.

            People like to say you should leave the past in the past because there’s nothing you can do to change it. But the past is history, and we learn from history. So why not study it? Dissect it. Understand it. My biggest issue isn’t understanding my own actions, but the actions of those who influenced me.

            Unfortunately I still don’t understand these people, so I’m going to be selfish and talk about something I do know: myself. (And even then, do I really know?)

            I started making decisions for myself around 9^th grade. My parents had just separated. I chose to stay with my dad because, well, he owned a house. And he lived in the town where I had friends. And where I went to school. And where I attended church. I used to ride my bicycle all through town and beyond with my best friend. Doing this was an act of my own making. My parents didn’t really like my riding to town because we lived near some…unpleasant areas and developments. I entered my rebellion phase by begging to get what I wanted, and I almost always succeeded. I convinced my parents to allow me to switch from my private Christian school to the local public school, which had a terrible reputation. Why did I want to go to this school? For the girlfriend I broke up with three months later.

            I left the public school for a more renowned private school and then dated another girl who ended up breaking my heart. And when I didn’t think there was any chance of saving me, I found another…who also ended up breaking my heart. Intentionally or not. I went to college for one year before going on hiatus. I started working for this one douche bag who owes me money to this day. And finally I am here, working on this blog while I work full time with a third party healthcare company.

            The important parts are the girls, the schools, and the jobs. Because that’s what my life seems to revolve around. What made me “happy” was having a loving girlfriend. And I had them, but they disappeared. I was so devastated by losing them that I lost all of my other friends and fell into bouts of depression that kept me from doing well in school. I went to college for an English degree even though I had no idea what I would do with one. All I knew was that I loved writing. I ended up making good money off of a terrible boss and then making my way to where I work now. I don’t do work I love, and I need to feel a sense of purpose. So here I am writing pointlessly away.

This didn’t pan out the way I thought it would, but I’m really tired. All I know is that I’m here doing what I do now because of decisions I made then.

I was going through some old E-mails earlier. Someone told me that I was miserable because I can be. I don’t think I’m miserable now. But was I miserable then and before then? Why can’t I change for the better. I think I have this time. Alas, I am alone. I’m not sad though. I’m just lost. Even while writing…I feel a lack of purpose. I need love again. I just don’t know where to find it, and I don’t feel like looking anymore. It hurts too much.

~~~

P.S.: Chilling with my pal, climbing trees, and smoking cigars made me happy today.